Joke of the day, A place to put your favorite Joke -

johnno

True Love

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening, he was greatly impressed

by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearments terms such as:

Darling, Honey, My Love, Dearest,Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago. I'm scared to death to ask the grumpy old bitch what it is." Evil or Very Mad

_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD - YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"
A little girl raises her hand. saying,"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

A woman in her forties is at home happily jumping naked on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks,

'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,

'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the
doctor says

that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of a 20 year old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42 year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied. Embarassed

_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shxxt!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

Book Report-Too funny

> Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
> One student turned in the following book report,
> With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
>
> His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
>
> Titanic book:.... Cost - $29.99
> Clinton book:...Cost - $29.99
>
> Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
> Clinton :....Over 3 hours to read
>
> Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
> Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
>
> Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
> Clinton :...Bill is a bullshit artist.
>
> Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
> Clinton :...Ditto for Bill.
>
> Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
> Clinton :....Ditto for Monica.
>
> Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
> Clinton :... Let's not go there.
>
> Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
> Clinton :....Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
>
> Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
> Clinton :....Clinton doesn't remember jack.
>
> Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen..
> Clinton :....Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either..
>
> Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
> Clinton :....Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said,'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and
the naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement. '
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help

you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

Some corn for you !
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit Brass Monkey

, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did. Razz

_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping naked on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks,

'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,

'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the
doctor says

that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of a 20 year old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42 year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

GIRLS

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude
These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.
Gertrude
immediately had a stroke.
Then
Maude also had a stroke.
But
Tillie, being older and more feeble,
couldn't
reach that far. Embarassed

_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. . .

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back..

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen...

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are
too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair..

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."..

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off..

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in !"..

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..

11. I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her
first name was 'Always'..

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"..

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start or end with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

johnno

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.. Shocked

_________________
Joined Jan 1961 R57565. (paid off May1964 unwillingly)
Ships - Cerberus, Albatross, Anzac, Albatross, Kimbla, Albatross

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